Tyrion cops a serve from Joffrey. Source: Supplied
SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode two. If you haven't caught up yet, stop reading now. We're not kidding.
So, that was a quiet episode. Bran had a creepy vision, Stannis engaged in some classic brooding, Oberyn licked his finger once or twice and mother of god, someone finally KILLED JOFFREY!
Wow. I mean, it was bound to happen at some point, but who expected the kid to die at a wedding? It's not as though we had any sort of precedent for ... oh, wait.
What a lovely disposition. Source: Supplied
Joffrey's death is far more intriguing than the Red Wedding, because this time we don't know who committed the murder. It could have been the old, sarcastic lady. It could have been the rebellious imp uncle. Or the portly drunkard lurking in the corner. Who knows?
Of course, Tyrion is being blamed for this particular regicide, mainly because he didn't like Joffrey very much. But I don't think Tyrion killed the king any more than you do. Let's see whether we can come up with a list of plausible suspects.
REMINDER: We're talking about the TV show here. If you've read the books, that's fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I'll burn you alive like one of Stannis's infidels.
Key points
•Someone finally murdered Joffrey. The king was poisoned at his own wedding, presumably by one of the 237 people there who wanted him dead. It was a suitably gruesome death too. Never before have I been so happy to see blood pouring from a child's eyes.
•The only problem is, we don't know who deserves the deluge of back pats. Who actually killed him? Joffrey himself pointed a gnarled finger at Tyrion as he stole his last undeserved breaths from the surrounding air. It was a typically idiotic final act. Tyrion isn't thick enough to have done this, and he clearly wanted to be nowhere near Joffrey's supposedly poisoned cup anyway.
•Discounting Tyrion, there are two obvious suspects, one of whom is Sansa. She handled the cup when it fell under the table, and could have slipped poison into it. Also, before Joffrey had even finished choking up his own innards, the pudgy drunk guy Sansa befriended last week was insisting that she leave. Perhaps the two of them conspired to wreak vengeance upon Joffrey together? The girl has just spent two whole seasons stewing over her hatred for that sadistic doofus, so she certainly has a motive.
•My other main suspect is Olenna. If the poison wasn't in the wine, it must have been in the cake that Margaery was shovelling so vigorously into Joffrey's mouth. But Margaery herself is too ambitious to have killed him. She sooooo wanted to be queen. Olenna, on the other hand, has never seemed particularly wedded to the idea. She definitely had the means to kill Joffrey - heck, she organised the whole shindig - and her concern for Margaery's safety is a plausible motive. Plus, she's a wily old fox.
•I'll offer one final piece of evidence, which could point towards either of those potential killers. It's something Olenna said to Sansa before she sat down at the feast. "War is war, but killing a man at a wedding? Horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing?" Knowing Olenna's wry, sarcastic sense of humour, she could have been sharing a juicy moment of irony with herself. But the awkward look on Sansa's face at that moment was very interesting. Of course, "awkward" is Sansa's default setting, so I may be reading too much into that.
I thought Dany had a monopoly on raised eyebrows. Source: Supplied
•Minor suspects: Littlefinger. The realm's keenest schemer has been suspiciously quiet lately. Maybe he was working with Olenna? Oberyn. Nothing ties him to the crime, but the guy did imply he wanted to kill lots of Lannisters. Varys. He's always going on about "the good of the realm," and Joffrey was obviously terrible for the seven kingdoms. But remember, Varys refused to lie to Tywin earlier in the episode for fear of reprisal. He doesn't seem to have the balls.
•Right, some other things happened in this episode too, and we'd better get to them. First of all, we learned that "Gordon Ramsay" Snow is a ruthless nutcase. Wait, no, we already knew that. Theon, meanwhile, is a broken shell of a man. He was holding a razor to Ramsay's throat when he learned of his buddy Robb Stark's death. But after hesitating for a moment, Theon just kept shaving. He's completely obedient now.
•Roose Bolton returned to the Dreadfort and admonished Ramsay for being so damn unreliable. The whole "maniacal psychopath" thing didn't seem to bother him as much. Then he sent Ramsay to take Moat Cailin, while giving a more important job (finding Bran and Rickon) to Locke, who is slightly more sane.
•After burning some infidels alive, Stannis suffered through an awkward dinner table conversation with his wife, Selyse, and the red witch, Melisandre, with whom he happened to make a shadowy demon baby back in season two. It was a crazy summer. Later, Melisandre visited Stannis's daughter to tell her a comforting bedtime story, and we learned that there is only one hell. "The one we live in now," to be exact.
•Jaime was getting all depressed again (you simply must give him a hand for consistency), but Tyrion told him to buck up, and assigned Bronn to help the Kingslayer train in swordplay with his left hand. That new working relationship should result in some witty banter at some point. And some very bad incest jokes.
•Tyrion also enlisted Bronn in a desperate attempt to convince Shae to leave King's Landing. He tried to be mean to her, and the word "whore" made several half-hearted appearances. When Shae still refused to go away, Tyrion told Bronn to escort her to a ship. At Joffrey's wedding feast, Bronn claimed to have been successful, but we never actually saw Shae leave.
•Bran is spending too much time inside the heads of other creatures. Lanky sis and skinny bro warned the rightful lord of Winterfell (let that sink in for a moment) that he could lose his humanity if he didn't cut back on all the warging. Then they stumbled across one of those creepy face trees, and Bran proceeded to warg the hell out of it. He saw a vision, which included one very ominous shot of a dragon's shadow over King's Landing.
•After the actual wedding ceremony and some mad flirting between golden oldies Tywin and Olenna, the feast got going. The rest of the episode was essentially just a case of Cersei Lannister's day getting worse and worse. First, she confronted Brienne and forced her to admit she loves Jaime. Then she had to deal with Oberyn reminding her, twice, that she was no longer the queen regent. Then her eldest son died in a small puddle of his own blood and vomit. Boy, what an afternoon.
Pick on someone your own size, Joffrey Source: Supplied
Best one-liner
Loras and Cersei are supposed to get married. Tywin says so. Well, Jaime isn't very keen on that idea.
"You'll never marry her," he told Loras at the wedding feast, after warning that Cersei would murder him in his sleep if they ever got hitched. It was all very intimidating. But then Loras came back at the Kingslayer with a knockout response.
"And neither will you," he said. BOOM.
Best Tywannical glare
The cold, dead eyes of Roose Bolton made their long-awaited return this week, and they finally dampened Ramsay's boyish enthusiasm for torture ... if only for a very short moment. Small victories still count.
Nipple count
Zero. Can you believe it? That has to be a record. We've also made it through two complete episodes without a proper sex scene. Surely Game of Thrones didn't become abstinent without telling us?
"Hodor" count
Two. The first Hodor was particularly important, because it jolted Bran awake before he could eat a deer ... while in the body of a wolf. Silly boy. He should stick to Bran muffins. You have to admit, Hodor is one excellent alarm clock.
Least appropriate sexual tension
To nobody's great surprise, Oberyn and Ellaria were crossing boundaries again at the royal wedding. This time, the Dornish prince seduced Loras from across the courtyard with some suggestive licks of his finger. Come on mate, the guy's future wife was sitting about 15 metres away.
Most disgusting moment
The episode opened with Gordon Ramsay chasing a frightened young girl through those misty woods near the Dreadfort, a lady friend in tow. When said lady friend shot the girl through the leg with an arrow, bringing her to the ground, he proceeded to let his adorable little hounds eat her face. Obviously, the disgusting thing here is that Ramsay managed to find a girlfriend.
Most Sansastically irritating character
I know it's rude to criticise the dead and all that. However, Joffrey really was an incestuous bastard at his wedding feast. The imp-fighting had potential, no doubt about it, but if he wanted a decent cup bearer he should have sent for Arya.
Burning questions
•Who murdered Joffrey? Outlandish theories are entirely welcome. Maybe Daario did it? He's pretty sneaky. Or that awesome assassin guy who befriended Arya. You know, the one whose face also changed for no apparent reason.
•Who will replace Joffrey as king? I mean, my money's on the little Lannister with no name (Tom ... Tommy ... Thomas ... Tommen?), but last time the crown was up for grabs five different people claimed it. One of them, Balon, was clearly a senile old man. Anyone can play the Game of Thrones!
•Has Shae really left King's Landing? It's very suspicious that we never actually saw her hop on that ship. Tyrion may have come to trust Bronn a little too much.
•Where is boring old Bran going now? Come to think of it, do we even care?
What did you think of episode two? Comment below (no spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ
