Game of Thrones exposes disturbing secret

Winter is coming, Sansa. Oh, good, you got the gloves. Source: Supplied

SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode seven. If you haven't caught up yet, stop reading now.

Stop the ravens. Finally, it has been confirmed. As we have all suspected since the first time he opened his mouth, Littlefinger's creepiness knows absolutely no bounds.

Any persistent doubts were crushed when he kissed Sansa Lannister this week. At last, Littlefinger's obsession with anything (or anyone) remotely related to his old love, Catelyn, passed from the realm of curious quotes and lingering stares to that of actual, physical creeping.

Radiohead's Creep is Littlefinger's anthem. Source: Supplied

"You might have been my child," he said, just before locking lips with Sansa. See what I mean? The guy wants to be a father figure to Sansa. But he also wants to be her lover. How disturbing.

We shouldn't be surprised. Game of Thrones is full of what you might call "odd couples", although most of the others tend to warm our hearts instead of chilling our bones. Elsewhere in Westeros and Essos, it was an intriguing episode for Arya/Sandor, Brienne/Podrick and Daario/Daenerys.

We were introduced to one fresh pairing as well. Oberyn visited Tyrion in his cell, where they shared a deep and meaningful chat, joked about the joys of brothels, and became unlikely allies.

Tyrion gets more visitors than The Following's Joe Carroll. Source: Supplied

Oberyn volunteered to be Tyrion's champion in his trial by combat.

That trial is definitely something to salivate over until the season resumes in two weeks.

REMINDER: We're discussing the TV show here. If you've read the books, that's fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I'll set Gregor Clegane on you. Then you won't be alive to read the rest of the series.

Key points

•The Kingslayer Brothers reconvened in that rather spacious prison cell, where Jaime berated Tyrion for being harebrained and suicidal. "You threw your life away, you threw it away!" he said. "I thought you were a realist. Didn't realise you'd die by pride." Tyrion made it pretty clear that he wanted Jaime to fight for him in his trial by combat. But his brother wasn't about to do anything stupid.

Jamie used to be "handy" to have around. Source: Supplied

"My training has proved that I can't beat a stableboy with my left hand," Jaime said.

•Tyrion wondered whether renowned slimeball Ser Merryn Trant would act as Cersei's champion. "Not Ser Merryn," Jaime said. Then the scene cut away to a view of Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane cleaving some helpless men into small, bloody pieces. Cersei walked up to the beast of a bloke and complimented him on his form, as one does. "Who am I fighting?" Gregor asked. "Does it matter?" she replied. The Mountain shook his head. I think he expects to win.

Little in the middle, but Gregor's got your back. Source: Supplied

•From one brother to another. Sandor and Arya stumbled across a man who was dying slowly from a wound to his abdomen. After some morbid chit chat that gave us a more intimate look at Arya's attitude towards death (extremely apathetic), Sandor put the guy out of his misery by stabbing him in the heart. Then he was attacked out of nowhere by a familiar face.

•Said face belonged to one of the prisoners Yoren was transporting to the Wall back in season two. He once threatened Arya, saying he'd "f**k her bloody" with a stick, although this time he was looking to earn a bounty of 100 silver stags by killing Sandor. "You thought you were going to collect it? Didn't think very hard, did you?" the Hound said. After learning the man's name (Rorge) so she could add it to her kill list, Arya stabbed him through the heart, copying Sandor's technique from moments earlier. "You're learning," he said. Positive feedback is always nice.

Geez, that Arya's a quick learner. Source: Supplied

•Jon's triumphant return to Castle Black was dampened by Ser Alliser Thorne. Jon suggested sealing the tunnel under the fortress to keep the approaching wildling army out, but Thorne shot him down emphatically. Jon appears to be getting sick of the acting Lord Commander, and who can blame him? The bloke is a constant Thorne in his side.

•Tyrion's cell is fast becoming the most popular social spot in King's Landing. He received another visit, this time from Bronn, who was conspicuously absent from the trial last week. That's because Cersei gave him a wife, a shot at living in a castle and, apparently, a rather nice cape. Tyrion tried to bribe Bronn into fighting on his behalf, but again, his pleas fell short of the mark. "I'd be a bloody fool if (Gregor) didn't frighten me," Bronn said. "He's freakish big and freakish strong ... When have you ever risked your life for me?" The pair parted on surprisingly good terms though. "I'm sorry it had to be this way," Bronn said. "Why are you sorry?" Tyrion replied. "Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place." Bromance never dies.

Daario, you silver-tongued fox, you. Source: Supplied

•Over in Meereen, Daario crept into Daenerys's private chamber and tried to chat her up, while also requesting permission to retake Yunkai from its resurgent masters. "I only have two talents in this world. War and women," he said. "Here in Meereen, I cannot pursue my talents ... Send me to do what I do best." At this point, Dany decided to enjoy herself for once. "Very well. Do what you do best. Take off your clothes," she said. Fill in the gaps yourself.

•Later, Ser Friend Zone passed Daario on his way to Dany's room. "Are you here to see our queen? She's in a good mood," Daario said. Cheeky bugger. Friend Zone proceeded to berate Dany for being reckless (i.e. sleeping with Daario instead of him). She told him she'd ordered Daario to execute every master in Yunkai, as justice for treating their slaves like beasts. "Herding the masters into pens and slaughtering them by the thousands is also treating them like beasts," Friend Zone, an ex-slaver himself, said. "I wouldn't be here to help you if Ned Stark had done to me what you want to do to the masters of Yunkai." He convinced her to give the masters a choice. "They can live in my new world or they can die in their old one," Dany said.

Shave and a haircut, boom, boom! Right, Sandor? Source: Supplied

•Sandor finally opened up to Arya, telling her about the day Gregor burned his face. "The pain was bad. The smell was worse," he said. "But the worst thing was that it was my brother who did it. And my father who protected him, told everyone my bedding caught fire." Arya was touched. I was touched. Everyone felt for the Hound in that moment. He's a softie at heart.

•Brienne and Pod stopped at a tavern, where they were served by ... Hot Pie! Yes, Hot Pie. We all missed him. He gave the pair an overenthusiastic lecture about the importance of gravy, and even managed to call the Stark seat "Winterhell" (classic Hot Pie) before telling them Arya was still alive. Armed with that surprising piece of information, Brienne and Pod set off for the Eyrie.

•Tyrion's third visitor was also his most interesting by far. "Imagined you'd be back at the brothel at this hour," he told Oberyn. "I've got every kind of filth down here, except the type I like." The Dornish prince told Tyrion about Cersei's attempt to win him over a few weeks ago. "Cersei approached me," he said. "She was trying very hard to pretend she had not come to sway me against you ... She desperately wants to see you killed."

•Oberyn proceeded to tell Tyrion about their first meeting long ago, when the imp was just a baby. Back then, Cersei had intended to display her brother to her visitors from the south as though he were some sort of freak. "That's not a monster, I told Cersei. That's just a baby," Oberyn said. He was sympathetic towards Tyrion then, and he still is now. "I want to bring those who have wronged me to justice, and all those who have wronged me are right here," he said. "I will begin with Gregor Clegane. I will be your champion."

•At the Eyrie, Sansa indulged in a spot of nostalgia by building a model of Winterfell in the snow. Robin appeared, and they chatted for a while. Everything was going so smoothly ... then Robin broke the snow model. Sansa lost her temper, he went full blown insane, and she ended up slapping him across the face. Oops. As Robin ran off, Littlefinger walked out of the shadows. "I hit him ... I shouldn't have," Sansa said. "No, his mother should have, a long time ago," Littlefinger replied. How about that? Parenting advice from a bloodthirsty pimp.

•Having settled down somewhat, Sansa asked Littlefinger why he really killed Joffrey. This was his illuminating response: "I loved your mother more than you could ever know. Given the opportunity, what do we do to those who've hurt the ones we love? In a better world, one where love could overcome strength and duty, you might have been my child. But we don't live in that world ... You're more beautiful than she ever was." Then he kissed her. Urgh. To make matters worse, Lysa was standing in the background, watching them.

•Later, Lysa asked Sansa to kneel next to her in the Eyrie's main chamber, looking down through the moon door. "I know what you did," she said, her voice rising. "He is mine. My father, my husband, my sister ... they all stood between us, and now they're all dead. That's what happens to people who stand between Petyr and me!"

•Again, Littlefinger walked in on the confrontation. "Lysa! Let her go," he said. "I'll send her away. I swear on my life. I swear to all the Gods." Lysa let Sansa scramble away from the moon door, and Littlefinger took his wife in his arms. "I have only loved one woman," he said. "Only one, my entire life. Your sister." Then he pushed Lysa, sending her tumbling through the moon door to her death.

Best one-liner

In a single sentence, Ser Friend Zone taught Daenerys an important lesson about mercy.

"I wouldn't be here to help you if Ned Stark had done to me what you want to do to the masters of Yunkai," he said.

Jorah used to sell slaves, and was exiled by Ned Stark for his crimes. Now, as far as Dany is concerned, he has redeemed himself. His point? If she were to execute every master in Yunkai, she would rob them of the same chance at redemption.

Best Tywannical glare

There was a brief moment of tension between the Kingslayer Brothers, when Tyrion started to rabbit on about Jaime being "the golden boy" of the family. Jaime didn't appreciate his brother's tone. One glare made that obvious.

"Careful. I'm the last friend you've got," he said.

On the whole, this episode was sorely lacking in quality glares. The solution for next week is simple. Add some Tywin, stir and repeat.

Not to put a too finer point on it, Melisandre needs better security. Source: Supplied

Nipple count

Just four this week, although they were given a lot of screen time. Selyse walked in on Melisandre while she was having a bath, and Gregor went topless while he disembowelled some unfortunate souls.

"Hodor" count

Nada. There has been a sharp decline in Hodor frequency lately. In fact, you could say Game of Thrones has become completely Hodorless.

Least appropriate sexual tension

I'm sure we were all creeped out when Littlefinger kissed Sansa, right after telling her she "could have been his child". Urgh.

Most disgusting moment

Gregor was painting the ground red a little too enthusiastically when Cersei showed up to say hello. She had to step over some poor sod's innards. Not a pleasant sight.

Beyond that, an honourable mention must go to Lysa's colourful description of "death by moon door".

"It's fascinating, what happens to bodies when they hit the rocks from such a height. The impact breaks them right apart, like eggs dropped on the floor," she said. "Sometimes, pieces remain intact. You'll find the head sitting on its own, every hair in place."

You can't help but wonder what happened to her own head moments later.

Lighten up Dany. Don't be so ... business-like. Source: Supplied

Most Sansastically irritating character

Daenerys. Talk about bad leadership. Is she really willing to turn her most trusted henchmen against each other for a bit of tomfoolery in the sack?

You never see Tywin sleeping with other key characters, and he seems to have a pretty good handle on things. Having said that, I still think he and Olenna could have a lot of fun together.

Burning questions

•Who will win the big duel between Oberyn and Gregor? The Viper is a fascinating character, so I'd like to think he will survive, but you never know with this show.

•What happens to Robin now? Is Littlefinger really going to bother raising a kid who's crazier than Joffrey?

•When will Jon lead a popular uprising against Alliser Thorne? I'm assuming it's a question of when, not if.

•Will Arya make it to the Eyrie to be reunited with Sansa? Or will something horrible and traumatic get in the way?

What did you think of episode seven? Comment below (no book spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ

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